Self Hate - another one of those long posts

I think,i rather be a dog.

The other day i was on the phone with The Prick,and when he said that he wanted to be a dog (no,he said he wanted to be able to change from a dog to a human,back to a dog,whenever he liked.Transfiguration.)i told him that thats a really stupid thing to say because I rather be a human being,with the ability of thought and rationality.
then he said that he rather be a bird so that he could fly away.but i thought that was stupid too because its so insensitive of birds to shit on somebody's head.

That was ages ago.

Today,Im sick of being Human.I thought about how i want to grow up and become this Super-Lawyer/Heroic-Person who will change lives and help everyone i can,around the world.
Then i started to realize that i wont be able to. .
because Im a Human being
and Human beings really do nothing for the benefit of others.

We're constantly dissatisfied with what we have,so we go out there,study hard,earn a lot of money to impatiently snatch some Jimmy Choos..or whatever it is we rather pamper ourselves with.
We hop on tour buses and travel to hidden ancient cities or pleasant countrysides,buying souvenirs from different countries,without really giving two shits about the people and how they might need our help.
We have dreams and ambitions of being..better than each other.
We snatch power and hopes from our neighbours,fathers and best friends.

Human beings are Insufferable
and Incorrigible.

The most Tedious Chapter in my Biology Text Book has taught me to feel this way.
I LOATHE Human Influences To The Environment.
Its a whole chapter dedicated to how heartless and unintelligent we human beings are-demolishing the houses of other creatures,polluting our own world,reducing the diversity,destroying ourselves by contaminating the ecosystem..blablabla..

The thing is:
we're forced to learn about all this,
we listen to songs about how sex is easier than love and how we should hold on and help each other and unite,
we watch on tv about conservation and harmony,
we read books about how we're all just humans;no better than the other,
and Yet we still refuse to change. we still refuse to learn.
we fail to use that rationality and understanding we claim to have,so we bitch and bomb up cities.

Human beings are so annoying.
They label themselves as the 'smartest' beings on Planet Earth,"made in the image of God",
developing nations and inventing what was supposed to be the unimaginable.
They have the advantage of a Heaven that the other animals wont have.
They create various languages and new worlds and then, study more of them at school.
They have tv and astronauts, umbrellas and swiming pools..
..but how great can they be if barely any of them actually care?
if most of them are so ridiculously ignorant of how their home-planet earth-their world,really is
and how it should be?

and if they do care,about others,about the world,about living and helping and sharing and loving and forgiving and tolerating-
then why arent they doing all that?

Human beings suck.
They suffer and cry and whine and insist that everything turn out the right way- when a hundred miles away,someone suffers even more without food or shelter or affection.
They hold charity auctions only to forget about it until the following year .
They kill and fight and hate and steal and lie and deceive and fuck each other.

Human beings are mere Animals that claim superiority
-but they are the worst of all animals.

When others hunt for the necessity of food,
Human beings hunt for the indulgence , the desire and the irresistible lack of control.
Human beings must poison each other for land and lust and money. They have to ruin the order of nature. They need to succumb to sins.

Selfish Homo Sapiens,i hope you have a good day.

TODAY,im going to be a real bitch. i rather lick the feet of others,than to classify myself under the most insensitive species on Earth.

My boyfriend,on the other hand,remains as a Human Being - unreliable as ever.
Its already 9pm over there,he has had the whole day to contact me,but i have not heard a word from him.
No Email.No SMS.Wont pick up the phone.His status is Online but it has been 30 minutes and he has not replied me.
Maybe hes asleep.
Human beings are lazy creatures and Indolence succeeds Commitment,sometimes.
and hes probably going to wake up all grouchy and intolerant like its My Fault im Concerned.
But since im a dog today,i really dont care.

i wonder if dogs dream.last night i had this dream about this guy whom i had a little crush on in primary school .no,maria, it was not julian.anyway,this guy calls me up after 7..8 years of us not keeping in touch anymore and says : I Love You,i really do,Li-Sha.Why wont you believe it,damnit.
it was so random.He went on saying how he had been in love with me for a year and then he asked if we could go steady.he sounded so desperate,so i think,during the Next phonecall..i THINK ,i said Yes.

woof ! :)

O!bio three,
cant you see,
that you're hurting me?
I rather pee ,
and serve that as tea,
than to have to see
you,bio three!

i crack myself up.

eddie is a donkey

BECAUSE LITTLE BOYS DON'T BREAK HEARTS.

:P

Sha Hew: .hcv,zjg,x
Eu Shang: ....
Eu Shang: eh?
Sha Hew: words cant express how much i love u
Sha Hew: :P
Eu Shang: awww...
Eu Shang: fvhwobih

because im not always bitchy,loud and vulgar. :D HAH!
but little does he know that it was just a quick excuse i came up with for that remarkably bad typo.

boys are painful

i am delighted to inform all the girls i associate myself with,whom i have personally defined as remarkably bright women,that:

smarter women have better sex.

at 15,i went around telling everyone that i would remain a virgin.
now,at nearly 18,i know better than to waste away my intelligence.

its a wonder why slutty paris hilton even Tries.
smirk. i think,i offend too much.

and kit yoong can now,not only show off her IQ level,as proof that she isnt completely blurr,naive and ignorant but also,a determination that despite being Slow,she will have mindblowing sex.
plus with such a motivation, i guess we really cant tease kai li anymore for being so kiasu now ,can we?

speaking of sex,i miss theleven.
i miss playing taboo and screaming fancy sexual innuendos. i played taboo the other day in the SSU,for about an hour or less,and believe it or not,i only swore Twice and i didnt use any sexual references or suddenly scream out a related term.i shouldnt scare mckl people too much .
did u know that the echidna has a four headed penis?
animal sex always remind me of when we teased ba of watching animal porn in form 5 and shen started giggling when she told me :you know turtles have noisy sex? like "CLAK CLAK CLAK" because the shells will hit together!"
ba was infuriated with us.he wouldnt talk to me that day. Hes Your boyfriend ,Fern.

okay.i must torture myself with coremaths3.

i wonder if all guys go to hell for being stupid.it should be a sin,im serious.
if thou be a man,thou shalt not be stupid.

Come here,Darcy.

When a book is made into a film,everyone should have the obligation to be as loyal as they possibly can to the book itself.Failing such,i can assure you,would lead to much disharmony;an insult to the author and his fans.Besides Branagh's 'Hamlet' and the A&E production of 'Pride and Prejudice',I have had never,the advantage of watching an adaptation quite to my liking,at all.
My favourite book is Pride and Prejudice,by Jane Austen,famous to most,for her ramblings about love,marriage and dance-parties.

I dont want to break any hearts-i know for a fact that too many people actually Enjoyed the movie (by Universal Pictures)..
although,now i have to very unfortunately and harshly add that 'little Lizzy',headstrong and smart and witty in all her ways,really doesnt deserve a skinny,flat and pouty Keira Knightley.

just allow me to carry on in telling you the very worst part of it all-
I nearly fell out of love with Mr.Darcy - my obsession demolished,my passion weakened and my heart torn apart into nine hundred and sixty one pieces.
Its All Ruined,with the very pathetic fact that Darcy seems to be portrayed as a seemingly Shy Man rather than a Proud Man.He doesnt look bored or annoyed at the crowd-more scared and timid.Hes supposed to irk the audience with this insufferable appearance of pride,superiority and self-claimed power,before they melt when he finally learns his lesson.
I love Mr.Darcy because he is so mysterious,so misunderstood-we flip through the pages of the book Frantically,to find out how he really is -mean? stupid ? sweet ? horny?
and then when we do reach that page that reveals Fitzwilliam Darcy,we swoon,because he is Mr.Perfect:tolerant,concerned,desperate enough to be with you and your embarassing associates and incredibly intelligent.
oh,and he has a beautiful mansion with a lot of money too,by the way.
so if we're already being exposed to his soft eyes and sympathetic aura,there is just no build up of emotions.

im sorry Mr.Macfayden, bt my darling Mr.Firth is definitely your superior.Its "a truth universally acknowledged" .
and dont call me prejudice-

with no wet,white shirt ?
thats unforgivable!

random

i promised myself that i wouldnt blog so often,that i would spend 90% of my day-studying.
well..too bad.

today,i found out about this book - Pride,Prejudice and Zombies.i Had to check it out-so i read the first chapter on Amazon,and it turned out to be exactly as i had predicted-
fucking crap.
its a parody,but its not funny,and its badly written,its artless,its stupid and offensive..
im so frustrated and infuriated,i cant even begin to comment.

ok,i'll sum it up for you:its like twilight..but worst.

u get all these people who think they can write.and for some strange bloody reason,create such a hype-everybody loves it!everybody wants it! everybody is going to watch the movie about it!
it annoys me,it really does.
i shall blog about these insufferable authors and their insipid fans,another day

Usually,id cut articles from magazines or newspapers and force them inside the left hand drawer of my study table,only to take them out in the evening,read them aloud to edward and spend hours commenting on them.today,i decided to do something different-to very,very briefly blog about an article instead,so that whoever-reads-my-blog-(even though i know most of you just browse through the horrible pictures), can learn something very meaningful.

well actually,no.bollocks,i should stop lying.truth is:
i just had coffee -jefferson's analysis on Jane Austen's style in Emma,is a bore and im obviously distracted from what i should be doing.

i severely dislike our local newspapers. some articles are Appalling.they feed me with regrettable pride and i tell myself that if these 'journalists' can write and publish these articles-so pathetic in style,expression and vocabulary,i can do so too.and then i get annoyed because i know that i Cant do so,because Alevels is a bitch.
and then,i Hit myself because i know im just being the usual annoying-anal-oversensitive-bitchy girl i Should not be.

Moving on,
A.Asohan writes about the "pulp goodness" :

"Lets face it,bibliophiles and bookworms -and there is a difference despite some overlap- are weird people."
cringe.im not weird.

"That's the thing with us bookworms and bibliophiles.Books are not just pulpy dead trees to us-"
hold it-are books pulpy dead trees to Anyone? blink. okay,maybe rachel chua who usually abhors the thought of reading anything besides,of course ,the Word of God. i think ive lived my whole life,finding books so important that i cannot imagine anyone actually Disliking it.
my life are my books,and those who cannot understand the joy of reading,will never understand the thrill of life itself.
"One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other".
Similar,i feel,to my indifference toward Man Utd and their recent achievements- i failed to comprehend Arumei's euphoric message after the match.

anyway,A.Asohan continues -"..they are entire beings,whole worlds..heck complete multiverses"
so true.nothing wrong with that,either.Literature,is the study of worlds.It goes beyond the infinite greatness of the microscopic or the indulging habits of business and money.

"We buy books we already have because that new edition has a fantastic cover"
shit. thats right. ive three versions of Othello,two of Dan Brown's Da Vinci Code,two of Tolstoy's War and Peace which pranav has forced me to read,after the exams...

"We spend way too much money on books"
i wont be surprised if i have spent more on books than on my darling boy.the book shop is the happiest place to be in,the most exciting adventure and exploration.i spend so many exciting hours there,before going out-rarely empty handed-already with an idea of which books i want to buy the next time,and grumbling on about how Malaysia abuses the book lovers with the lack of variety.

"..selling off our books for food money would never cross our minds"
i dont think it would have crossed any body's minds! every book of mine is a treasure.even that bloody chemistry text book which refused to help me score.every time i lend my book to someone,i feel pangs of regret and worry later on.
crap,its an obsession,isnt it.a lustful attachment.

"Its a tough life sure,but we will get our rewards",he concludes-"As Virginia Woolf (i know,i love her books too) wrote, "When they Day of Judgement dawns and people,great and small,come marching in to receive their heavenly rewards,the Almighty will gaze upon the mere bookworms and say to Peter,"Look, these need no reward.We have nothing to give them.They have loved reading"
Chuckle.book lovers succeed over death.

i wonder how many Malaysians are going to read that article,and feel the same way.we've been going on and on,for years and years,trying to encourage people to read,trying to get Msians to do more than consume nasi lemak and malaysiakini..but honestly,i dont see much of an improvement.
not until the day,i find at least ten copies of faber and faber's seamus heaney -new selected poems at any random bookstore,in KL.
it still irks me,how it took so long to find my lit text and references.

lit exam in two days.sha has to read. :)

all love is true

beautiful things in life,always fall in the end.





today i was watching my tortoise crawl (thats what boring people like myself do when they get bored and restless from staring at the pile of work she has to start on) and then i noticed these fallen flowers and i started snapping away and then the red battery sign kept blinking and then the camera died.
see,things dont last.thats what mr.buddha said.

fragile
flowers
fall
frightfully
fast;
fading.

:)
ALLITERATION!

i miss the company of my friends.ive many good friends.
one day,we're going to have to rewind and weep over old boxes of memories.
regardless of the torture and abuse of time,i still want you as my friend-and i still want to hold your hand and listen to your stories and laughter- and i still want to feel your tears and smiles and hopes.
after these three..five..seven years..when we're older and better and less immature-more sensible,when we've tasted more sin and regret,i want to look at you again..
and i want it to be like we never,ever left each other.
like time was a fool,not us.lets conquer distances.
please.please.please.

promise me.

and i miss boo and yiyi and sunday mornings having nescafe ais and roti canai segi empat.

i love how Frank Churchill,so passionate,intense and in love with Jane Fairfax,had saved her from her very nearly having to retire "from all the pleasures of life,of rational intercourse,equal society,peace and hope,to penance and mortification for ever”,and i can never again blame him for being an inconsiderate and foolish liar.he is much more romantic than that grumpy old Mr.Knightley.
Nobody of course,in any novel,has proven to be more superior in mind,connection,looks than Mr.Fitzwilliam Darcy.He teaches Sha,the girl who hates chic flicks,chic lit or anything excessively lovey-dovey-smoochie-romatic,to dream of happily ever afters and prince charmings.
I can be such an Emma sometimes,and such a Lizzy sometimes-
Jane Austen writes of truth:
Theres a heroine in all of us.
She is Shakespeare without the brilliant exposure of incredibly fancy terms we cannot pronounce and imagery of suns and moons and solid melting into dew.
I wish loving literature was enough to get me that A. but noo, i have to Make An Effort.

im going to sing my dreams.

stop blogging,sha.Study!
we dont like those nouveaux riche.

16th May, and hes 19

ben is my best friend.

he has been there for me since we were little idiots in form 2.

and despite the time,distance,different opinions and LACK OF EFFORT TO EMAIL EACH OTHER OFTEN..

i love him very,very much.

sha gng to study
i hate finals,this too too solid flesh should melt

BAOBAB.ive got Somewhere Over The Rainbow,stuck in my head.its been a bad day,i didnt have enough time during my first paper.its been a hot day,and i waited an hour at this place with no fan or aircon or friendly men.and i saw this man pinch his girlfriend's butt,which wasnt very nice.one moment i was like "ehh..she has a nice top" ,the next second i was like "right..ew".and ur not replying my sms and i think everybody is just cranky and it was a bad exam.but im blogging anyway,because after that horribly unfeeling paper,ive decided to work my ass off.i dont want to spend time blogging after this.i want those dreams..

.. the dreams that you dare to dream

Really do come true.

life is uncertain.death is certain.

The perfume of sandalwood,
Rosebay or jasmine
Cannot travel against the wind.

But the fragrance of virtue
Travels even against the wind,
As far as the ends of the world.

In this world
Hate never yet dispelled hate.
Only love dispels hate.
This is the law,
Ancient and inexhaustible

Therefore, the meditation on love

should be done for self and others too,

everyone should be suffused with love.

This is the teachings of the Buddha.

If
You could be nice
To somebody
Who is not nice
You are really nice

i had a good day

i usually hate changes

and i hate having to study.i rather play.

today,was my last day of college.
(my very last maths class,so imagine my joy)

i love fridays.fridays are always such happy days.
fridays are our days

today was my last lit class.

and the prick's (who got the expected 9.0 for his IELTS speaking test) first.

im going to miss my college..

that gloomy place

where everything is either old or broken -

the college with the ugliest and most uncomfortable student lounge,

and doors that look like dingy toilet doors,
well,according to mei.

im going to miss it.

FINALS ARE IN A WEEK

the little annoying artist is all grown up,
and i is so the proud of her


will blog about spore another time.
FINALS ARE IN A WEEK.